Phantom of raison d'être

My trivial trick of the senses?

My incautious subjective impression?

My shallow plaything?

Nothing but my change of mind?

My stupid consolation?

My diversion for a little while?

My fleeting escape?

My renewed decision?

Did I clashed with destiny at last?

Well, maybe I have just seen a nightmare.


Or,

by any chance,

is this my tragic death,

called,

"love" or "You"?

music : Hanne Hukkelberg - Do Not As I Do

Under the cherry tree, Since that day.

This morning, when I traveled to work in my car, I found the first cherry blossoms this year. Suddenly I recalled her. After she accepted my proposal, she kissed me under the cherry tree. 

She used to say to me like this. 

"You tell me that you thought only the suicide in the spring one year ago. But you met me the one year later. And just now you make love me. Do you understand what I say? Nobody knows your future." 

Then 15 years later, I could not remember her name. 

But I felt happy feelings today because I recalled warm‐hearted sex with her. 

It was feelings after a long absence. 

Until today, I was not able to remember happy feelings since that earthquake. 

Too much deaths and tears changed us. 

I will never be able to return to me before that day. 

Therefore, I recall her who was too much optimistic. 

You aren't here. 

There is also no time when you were here. 

But now, I think, the word to face something like you who doesn't appear any longer. 

"Long time no see!" 

"Where had you gone to?" 

"Uh.....yes, what's your name?" 

music : Ikuko Kawai - Yoimachigusa

our sorrow, rising-sun flag, for many victims

Japan changed completely after 3.11 really.

I watch the distressing existence of the people of the ruins in TV every day. There is no day when crying people are not seen at all.
Now we cannot enjoy and cannot find happiness because we continue mourning of victims.
And many people's life still needs our help. Japan is still the "battlefield".

When I watch Facebook, I'm feeling that look at daily life of another dimension different from Japan.
I look at the peaceful daily conversation of foreigners in Facebook like our lost memories.
I feel as if people in the world had forgotten Japanese people completely. But it's not correct.
Our daily life changed suddenly. I witnessed disappearing of more than 10,000 people's life and dignity.

Now, I've known value of the peaceful life for the first time in my life.
Our daily life lost the repetition of the tragicomedy that had been enjoyed like a commonplace till then.
We suffer every day. Only people who lost original daily life understand painful to suffer every day.
And the extraordinary of a certain country is mere topic of a line for peaceful daily life of other countries.
Surely I must have ignored the tragedy of countries such as Haiti and Somalia in the past.

The picture of a tsunami uploaded in YouTube surprised world people. But every time we live in tragedy after the tsunami inescapably.
I feel the loneliness that world sympathy for Japan disappears day by day. But it's only a Japanese same as me that I can share this loneliness.

Our world is still such a low level. Sadness is completely isolated from routine of daily life.

Last night, I watched the concert of Cyndi Lauper in a net.
She came accidentally in Japan just after the earthquake. Because there was the schedule of the concert, she witnessed the disaster of Japan.
There was the foreign musician who canceled the concert in Japan for earthquake. It was said that the band member of Cyndi Lauper suggested returning to theirs country.
But she refused return home. She performed the concert on schedule in Tokyo and Osaka.
And we were able to watch Cyndi's concert by live coverage in the net thanks to her request.

In the latter of the concert, suddenly Cyndi Lauper took out a Japanese national flag and wore it like a cape.
And she has begun to sing her song "Shine".

I was surprised very much. I was surprised at not only her performance but also my unexpected feelings.
I cried to see the Japanese flag. This was the first time that I cried to see the Japanese flag.
Even if I watched the Japanese flag with the Olympic Games and the World Cup, I had thought nothing so far.
But I saw that rising-sun flag and could not repress my tears at that time.
I didn't cry for patriotism. When I saw the rising-sun flag that Cyndi took along, I felt as if consoled it in our deep sorrow that was never conveyed.
That was something we lost, and was somewhere we should have started for.

Certainly, we lost a lot of peaceful daily life. But we found a lot of thing which could not learn from the routine of peaceful daily life.

Recently, fund-raising activities for Japanese sufferers was performed in Thai Bangkok.
This is an activity performed in maximum the slums in Bangkok where about 100,000 people live.
As for most of people in this the slum, the income during a day doesn't reach several dollars.
But many people including little children accepted the fund raising.
This donation surpassed 10,000 dollars in only the first day.

I have met the people of the slum in Bangkok. So I found the precious feelings that really lacked in our country about their activity.
I thought that they snuggled to our sorrow. Because their daily life is acute, their feelings is not restricted by daily life.
Perhaps both they and we demand understanding not pity.
It's difficult to understand the sorrow of the neighbor as far as our feelings are influenced by the routine of daily life.
Japanese people were lost daily life and have noticed it just now.

Many people help each other at the stricken area in Japan. The people share water and gasoline left in the ruins and bear destitute life.
Many nations make all‐out efforts to send supplies to the stricken area. I have not watched a state that many Japanese standed together like this until now.
All of us grieve day after day. But we might not had experienced that we shed tears for another person like this for many years.

I think that the human true happiness is to have the richness of mind to be able to be considerate of another person.
When we are considerate of another person, We are free in all forever.
Our sorrow is not our misfortune by any means.
We are entrusted with go on a mission to regenerate this country for many sacrifice. Our sorrow is the determination.
My daily life from now on is not the future only for me. It's the future to share it with many fellows.

I will never forget "True Colors" that Cyndi Lauper sings for Japanese people as embracing the rising-sun flag.

Japanese people will create the true colors from now on spending long time.
Surely it will be new colors that are beautiful like a rainbow.

music : Cyndi Lauper - True Colors

God does not give us the fate that we cannot overcome.

We many Japanese people have expressed gratitude to the prayer from foreign countries.
But we must endure many trials. Our country faces a national crisis since 1945.

I had a Bhutanese friend in Facebook. She works a Bhutani broadcasting station. When a disaster and a sad affair always happened, she contributed a fact in her private account of Facebook surely.
I wasn't always pleased with it. But I did not understand the reason that I dislike her act.

When this earthquake occurred, she contributed this to Facebook as usual.
"The biggest earthquake to hit Japan in 140 years struck the northeast coast ...At least 39 killed"
The tsunami picture which attacked our country was linked in her Twitter.
Because I became unpleasant, I protested against her.
"Don't post like being trifled with, We are serious now."
But my comment was deleted immediately.
I was surprised very much. Why did she delete it? Why was it necessary to delete my comment for her? Is my comment obstructive for her contribution?
I protested her once again. Then she excluded me from the list of her friend in Facebook.

I thought that I understood "the reason". The following is my message sent to her.

"Our sorrow is another people's affairs for you after all.
You make the tragedy of another people a show without knowing the sorrow of another people.
Because you only want to write something in twitter and Facebook.
Our tragedy is only the surface of the letter for you."

Of course not only she but also I was so. A while ago, I treated tragedy of Libya as material to write in the blog.
Our tragedy is temporary material for her to contribute it.
She contributed it about the safe return of the the Chilean men once. She is busy to contribute it about a Japanese earthquake. Does she think about the future of the Chilean men now? One month later, she might not remember a Japanese earthquake. She might be crazy about a contribution about new situation of Mideast.
The material for contributions to Facebook and twitter is disposable topic. But Our life and death are not such a disposable topics for contributions to SNS.

"Play for Japan"....It's a beautiful word.
But we must revive our country by our own effort after all after many people forgot a Japanese earthquake.
We have the feelings that we cannot understand unless we become the person concerned.
I read someone's comment in Facebook like this, "pray to god that our country Will not gone like japan"
If there is God approving such a prayer, I hate God. We have faced the death of many fellow countrymen just now.

The tsunami erased some towns in the blink of an eye.
There are ruins in the town where 10,000 people became be missing during only a few minutes.

We worry about the sufferers people like family.
People in the area without damage cry bitterly, too.
Japan is only hopeless reality now.
I also make desperate efforts to keep myself.
But we never give up.
We surely overcome this tragedy.

Old days, my mother used to say to me like this.
"God does not give us the fate that we cannot overcome.
Because we have strong‐minded, God gives us a hard trial."

music : R Sakamoto - Acceptance